Each boy would appreciate the part of me that most appealed to them, molding it and changing it to fit their own needs and wants.
The warning bells always came when I would find myself hesitating, before my brain would connect to my mouth and I’d reveal a private thought. Would he find me weird? Fucked up? An idiot?
On many occasions my thoughts would be silenced and my mouth would remain shut because I always knew the boys in front of me would never understand.
The boy I love will understand.
The boy I love will love me.
The silly side, the confident and boastful, the insecure and shy, every single little quirk and trait.
The boy I love will understand that trust is earned and that doubts and fears are nothing personal from someone with trust issues.
He will understand that these are deep rooted and that not everyone has a blissful and happy childhood.
Some are filled with betrayal and endless goodbyes.
He will earn my trust and he will never lose it.
He will prove that one person out of hundreds of shady ones will be the perfect place to store my trust.
The boy I love will never find my need for reassurance annoying, as he will understand that when you’re a child and your brain is at a stage where it absorbs every bit of information; when someone tells you you’re not good enough, you will believe it.
He will understand that I was never the favourite child, or the top student and that many men had replaced me with females far more appealing.
He will understand why the fear of always being the second choice, the back up, the disappointment is so paralyzing.
He will make me a priority, he will put me first, he will remind me every day of why I am good enough.
The boy I love will never formulate assumptions and believe the words of others as he too knows the gigantic game of Chinese whispers that occurs in our societies.
He will always ask me first, listen intently and although he will know I am a magnificent liar, he will also know that I would never lie to him.
The boy I love will understand that all my life I have taken care of myself and that I have no idea on how to ask for help.
He will understand that at first I need to bottle up all my problems and then release them like daggers all at once, screaming for a solution.
He will take this with grace and patience.
He will understand it’s hard to break a habit you’ve had your whole life.
The boy I love will at times be jealous but he’ll always know that no matter who is looking at me, my eyes are only ever on him.
I will feel the exact same.
The boy I love will understand that talk of emotion can make me uncomfortable and that my lack of affection is in no way implying a lack of love.
He will understand that kisses and hugs are not only spared from him, because he will see my hesitation when even my own mother wraps her arms around me.
Again he will be patient and know that it’ll be worth it when they do come.
He will know that writing is where everything is poured out and he will read, and read, and read my work until the words are firmly planted into his heart.
The boy I love will understand when I still show kindness to my childhood bullies and to all the people that have hurt me.
He will love and appreciate my fight for peace and kindness and will never judge me or think of me as a door mat.
The boy I love will understand when one day I will not leave the bed and demand he stays in with me all day, and the next I will beg him to take me skydiving or on some other spontaneous adventure.
He will enjoy not knowing what comes next with me, he will not find it confusing or moody.
The boy I love will understand my passion of travelling and wanting to visit every corner of the globe.
He will know that even if I’m gone days or months at a time, he will be the home I will always come back to.
The boy I love will never panic at my need for solitude.
He will understand that no matter who you are, sometimes I just need a break from human beings in general.
The boy I love will let me be me and he will love me for me.
The boy I love will never leave, no matter how tragic or horrible things may be.
He will understand that we fix things and that we do not throw them away.
He will believe that our love is much more than some irrelevant fight and that nothing could be worse than the two of us apart.
The boy I love will always believe and know that I too love him… And that from the moment our two souls unite, it’ll always be us against the world.
Sandra Korleska, "The Boy I Will Love." (via a-lafoliee)